When I was sad...

O

 nce in a while comes a time when you are sad for reasons whatsoever. Though outside, you try to seem another normal person, but amongst so many people, you feel lonely inside, completely. And then something happens which makes you realise that you are not a mere living creature, but a person gifted with loved ones, who care for you and who want to see you happy. So, you smile again, not for the world but for the happiness which such a feeling gives you. 

November 18,2015

Wednesday

  

I was feeling disoriented which is contrary to what I think every night just before going to sleep,“From tomorrow, I would only think about what I want to do, rather than the problems which don’t let them happen”. 

In the office, every small thing was frightening me, a ring on my telephone extension, the conversations of people regarding train booking for places like Dadri, Orrissa, and most importantly – ‘Madhya Pradesh’(place where I was ought to be sent on official tour - alone). I wished if I could laugh with people’s small jokes, but I went to washroom and only after closing the door, did I feel protected. Because, no one could see me, and say something which would make me feel inferior. No one could call me on extension and harrass me. And most importantly, I won’t have to give a fake smile to anyone and feel guilty for not feeling happy inside. I am back to the time when I was 5 and my mausi was prodding me, pulling me outside the room. But I was trembling because of the noise of the crackers as it was ‘Diwali’. 

On the way to washroom, I watched the people I walked past. My heart craved for a person who could treat me like my mother – stroke my head and say something like – “Don’t worry, I will go to M.P with you, and look after everything, we will enjoy and you need not take any tension. It is such a small thing to worry.”

But perhaps I am thinking about an imaginary person just like children talk of their fairy angels and believe that one day, they will appear and take them away from the problems of this world. I don’t know why I am wishing such non-sense things. I am feeling lonely.

Lately, I have made 3 more good friends here. Today, I thought to confide in them my worries, my feeling of loneliness, the need to talk and hear my own voice, but once they started appreciating me in some way or the other, I don’t want to spoil the image of the ‘perfect’ girl, a person who instead listens to their problems and gives logical solutions. I remember that I don’t deserve to be sad, to feel alone, since a person who intends to solve or listen to other people’s problems should not have one. 

Today I am got to check more than a dozen of complicated Project drawings and discuss with a person, who I don’t like.  But I should try to feel happy otherwise it’s very difficult for me to give a fake smile, which is so easy for people - enough to make me feel all the more weaker.

In the afternoon, when I was engrossed in drawings, someone suddenly touched on my back, which frightened me. As I turned around, Pratibha, my friend (who joined with me and works on a different floor) was standing behind me and said, “Congratulations”. I gave her a perplexed look when she explained smilingly, “Today, it’s been 2 years since we joined here.” While, I wasn’t even sure what the date today is, she remembered it and came up just to wish me. It was not my heart which suddenly forgot the sorrows of the day, but her broad smile and childlike talks which made me forget. I wished her back and we planned an outing (for the first time together) for the coming holiday.

In the evening when my stop was about to arrive, my bus partner (Monika mam), who had one lead of her earphones plugged in her ear, proffered me the other lead to listen to an old song on radio. I plugged it in my ear, it was a lovely retro song. By the time, my stop was about to come, the song was also near its end, when I recalled that one lead of her earphones had recently gone faulty which means only the other one was working. When I gave her a surprising glance, she too smiled, rather laughed, but said nothing.

I went home smiling and looking up the sky, what only I could say was “Thanks”.